Conservatives and Micturition



A Canadian federal conservative candidate (a republican by any other name) was caught urinating in a homeowner’s coffee mug and dumping the contents into the sink.

Not long ago in Oregon, a republican congressman  was hoping to collect 15,000 urine samples to help calibrate a machine that predicts cancer. “We have to have urine sample from people from all walks of life. The only way to do this is to take large samples of urine from people and wait.” (He had also  suggested at one time the sprinkling of nuclear waste from above to build up resistance to diseases).

Consider this recent headline: “Boston brothers ‘attack and urinate’ on homeless Hispanic man after being inspired by Donald Trump – who admits he has ‘passionate supporters”.

In the satirical Swift novel, Gulliver’s Travels, the protagonist charmingly extinguishes a fire at the Lilliput  palace by urinating on the flame-engulfed sections…..


In so doing he thinks he has done a good deed and is amused by the situation.  Through the story line, Swift was expressing his wish to do the same to the Tory (conservative) party and extinguish the increasingly capitalist and materialistic society they were creating.

Findings such as this reveal the richness and fascination of a topic that might seem, at first blush, to be merely puerile. Excretion is one of the neglected and under appreciated topics in psychodynamic theory. I have written extensively on the psychopathology of republicanism but I am now tasked with incorporating this new and intriguing feature into a behavioural model that defines conservative politicians using the DSM as:

Axis I: PTSD ( pre traumatic stress disorder)
II: Narcissistic and Sociopathic traits (Type B)
III: urinary dysfunction

Psychologists have examined the psychobiology of eating, sleeping and sex at great length, but have largely ignored elimination. Freud identified a urethral personality characterized by ‘burning ambition’ and speculated that resisting the urge to urinate on fire was a pivotal moment in primal man’s ascent towards civilization.

In his Civilization and Discontents, Freud did note however that the price of civility was neurosis, and phobias surrounding public urination, dubbed ‘paruresis’, are common and often disabling, limiting people’s movements and causing humiliation and pain. In brief, neurotics (liberals) suffer whereas sociopaths (republicans) make others suffer. The latter use micturating metaphors as an expression of contempt: eg recently President Obama was told by republicans to pi55 off after he renamed Mt McKinley Denali, its original native moniker.
Parents understand that toilet training is a paradigm case for developing self-control.

Not surprisingly our Canadian conservative hero above is male. Men view the world as a big urinal and testosterone fueled power and control dynamics figure prominently in men. Women’s excretion is more hidden, emotionally fraught and suppressed than men’s.

There is clearly an incompatibility of femininity and excretion. It is known that visceral states such as hunger and desire can affect the decisions people make: People buy more unhealthy food at the grocery store when hungry and they are more likely to engage in unsafe sexual practices when they are aroused, even when they are aware of the potential consequences. It’s also been shown that these visceral states lead to more impulsive behavior in general—not just in the context of food or sex.

What research has found was that the stronger people resisted the urge to pee, the better they were at controlling their impulses. On the flip side, there is a perverse pleasure in letting go with an ensuing lack of shame and forgoing of any sense of urgency.

Urethral eroticism is the pleasure derived from urination often associated with penetrative fantasies-phallic narcissism– the core of conservative psychopathology. Indeed Adolf himself was noted to suffer from a variety of paraphilias including urolagnia aka “watersports”.

In conclusion, for my fellow citizens of Canuckistan in 2015 and for our ‘Murican friends in the Excited States in 2016, my extensive research into conservative psychopathology supports the fairly clear decision: conservative candidates require empathic therapy, catheters and incontinence bags, not votes.

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One Response to “Conservatives and Micturition”

  1. Firefly says:

    As a Brit who struggles to grasp the complexities of The UK parliament, I’m completely ignorant about US and Canadian politics. This though, doesn’t stop me from chuckling at your concluding paragraph!


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