The Evolution of Heterosexual Relationships

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Back in the day, I spent 13 years as Medical Director for Community Mental Health in the cottage country of Central Ontario.  This area, part-time home to the rich and shameless bourgeoisie of Toronto, provided an opportunity to practice bread and butter psychiatry, by that I mean everything in the DSM several times over. Every variety of anxiety disorder, depression, perversion, and eating disorder were to be had in abundance.

The full-time working class and bush whacking residents of this district were also interesting as well as poor and were where most of the serious illnesses like schizophrenia or bipolarity could be found along with heavy doses of beer and Crown Royal thrown into the mix.

However what I really enjoyed was doing conjoint marital therapy with a social worker associate of the feminist persuasion. These sessions were where I learned that basically men and women were biologically programmed to get on each others’ nerves after a few years of cohabitation.

The men were brought in reluctantly and under duress by their wives and were invariably guilty of bad behaviour to wit: drinking, gambling, unreliability, x/s hunting and fishing, ignoring the kids, infidelity and lack of communication. And porn addiction. Guilty as charged. The men generally only had one complaint and unsurprisingly it was the main female weapon of choice…sexual withdrawal. The attitude of the boys being men need sex and it is morally wrong to deprive them of it.

The reason for all this chaos was brought to us compliments of Charles Darwin in 1859.
It turns out men are adventurously bio-programmed. Going out with the boys hunting mastodon and bonding there in, chasing skirt from the neighbouring tribe, sharing hawthorn berry and honey brews and tossing dice of sorts is a basic primordial instinct. Now the ladies kept the cave clean, raised the kids, gossiped with their homies, browsed for blueberries and prepared mastodon pot pie. The boys eventually came home when they felt like it and then expected to get lucky after dinner.

Men hunt and women browse. That’s why contemporary men would rather have double root canals then go shopping. Now modern women compliments of feminism have other ideas and options. And in the biological interest of perpetuating and improving  the species they want men who are reliable, honest, nurturing, faithful, communicative, loving and happy to browse at the mall for hours. In other words women want men to behave like women. To paraphrase Nietzsche:  “men are meant to be warriors; to rule and to fight. Conquest defines him, not childbirth and chocolate cake.”

Naturally I tossed these ideas at my social worker friend, who told me where in my anatomy I could place them. I repressed my ideas and therapy work proceeded according to her divine plan.

Freud wrote a book called Civilization and it’s Discontents. In it he  demonstrated that neurosis in modern culture is universal and it’s because we repress our base instincts. So on that basis we can conclude that women are more neurotic as well as more civilized. Well she wasn’t crazy about that notion either.

So in therapy my approach was simple: women are always right. And in therapy as the male partner, if you think you made a good point and she says “fine, whatever”, you are in serious trouble.

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